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YinGinanen Sanen

[ website | YinG Sane Industries ]
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Notes [Apr. 16th, 2012|08:57 am]
YinGinanen Sanen
Should really make notes of the last few days so decided to return to here. Just got hit by a wtf grenade. 
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yeah i was right [Apr. 7th, 2007|03:39 am]
YinGinanen Sanen
Oh it's been over for like 2 weeks now. Did i ginx it with the post before this one, 3 months ago? Or did I just know the inevitable. But hey, I knew what I was getting into and I got out of it what I wanted to get out of it. Some fantasies got fulfilled.  ONly thing is I was a bit surprised, because it ended so quickly, just threw it away like it had no meaning when we were so close like the day before it ended. I'm glad I had that opportunity. Now i'm in the middle of developing another relationship with someone else. THis time I'm not going to look back, only forward. And this time there's no bitterment. I'll be the inbetween guy. To quote marilyn manson "i'm not in love, but i'm gonna fuck you till, somebody better.... comes along" - vodevil I did spend a heafty amount of change though. I just wanted to set a standard, maybe that part she'll miss at least, the gifts and going out and stuff.  I need to keep up with my postings, and get another book. only reason i even signed onto here was to find someone else's journal i'm interested in.
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come on baby light my fire [Jan. 11th, 2007|01:47 am]
YinGinanen Sanen
Oh God what door has been opened before me. What I wanted to say in the last post is to mention how I lost my book of writing in which i was working on. Every time I felt my self slipping away I would refer back to that book to reaffirm myself of my goals. Now, in light of that: we are technically back together. Yet, I feel just about nothing.  Initiated by her. I'm really, basically just going along with it, I don't see anything genuine about it, just coming down off of  being betrayed by her current and is now reverting back to the previous. I was the one to initiate the separation though.  She initiated the beginning and she is initiating this second beginning. I'll probably initiate the second separation.  Nevertheless I can't imagine myself putting any real emotion into such a thing, it won't be the same as before, emotional wise.  Yet some of the same things I dispised and freed myself of are already surfacing.  This time around it won't be as painful because I will know what to expect.  It will take alot of time to really build that feeling we had back, even though she has said 'there's something still there' and oh how we remember the 'love u but not in love with u '   and this time, after referring to that the response 'love u, but can become in love with u'.  Yeah i'm just the inbetween guy.  But for now, I have decided to go along with it, calm my dick down. We're both really licking each other's wounds.  Really the only thing that worries me is reading back through previous posts on here and feeling as if I have just made a wicked mistake.
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returning to what i shouldn't [Jan. 10th, 2007|08:03 am]
YinGinanen Sanen
I am now considering doing something I have told myself I would never do again. Is this irony? I start the year off as if I've completely forgotten everything I've learned last year. I can't even devulge in it completely now.
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An exerpt from my writings, i call this the chapter of questions [Nov. 11th, 2006|03:26 am]
YinGinanen Sanen
Well, what do you want?
How are you feeling? Do you crave to be touched? Do you long for the presence of another person? Do you wish to be held? DO you want to feel the warmth of another human being, once again? Do you want to return to the womb? Do you want to be held softly as you suckle from the nipple? You want to rest your head on the bosom, becoming full of the nourishment that comes from another? Have you regressed that much that your only wishes that tuly are yours are that basic and childlike? Is it because the only time in your life that you have really been you is when you were a child? Is it not also sad, that the said person of you wants the same thing that everyone else wanted at that point? Doesn't that make you no more unique, no more of an individual entity than one of twelve newborn puppies suckling and their mother's teats?
Do you want big money? Is that what you really want? WIll just having lots of cash at your disposal satisfy you? WIll a big empty house also satisfy you? WIll you be even more satisfied by the company of mosquitos and leeches you will attract? WIll you find satisfaction in knowing your wife married you just to divorce you and get half?
What do you want? Do you want fame? Do you want everyone to know your name? Will you feel as if you are immortal if you do so? WIll you be satisfied when it becomes hard for you to walk down the street without attracting crowds? Will it satisfy you more when people idolize you, and worship your image? Will it please you to know that people want to be like you, and because of that just as many people that love you also hate and dispise you? Will you find comfort in the eyes of fake people pretending to befriend you just to exploit and use you? Will the fake smiles make you forget about the emptiness inside of you, will it block out the unfulfillment? WIll the praise you receive make you ignorant of all the critisisms and insults that counter every good word mentioned of you? Will you become that hollow? Will you enjoy your isolation from society and find shelter in your self prison? WIll you be used to portraying this perfect image of yourself at all times because there is someone always watching, and documenting your every move?
Tell me, is there something you want, huh? Would you rather be isolated? DO you want to be non-existant instead? Do you want to have no friends, and no family? Do you want to be everything to no one, and nothing to everyone? DO you want your life to have no value? DO you want to eat and breathe and shit and no one will know or care? DO you think you will have no burdens then, no responsibility? Would you be free to do anything you wanted? Would there be anyone to bury your corpse, or would you just rot and decary wherever you were laying? Would that free you? WOuld you be satisfied or would you be lonely? Would it be better if we introduced another element into your life?
Oh, is that what you want, sweetie? Do you want love? You want to find your true love is that correct? You want to find your true love, is that correct? You want to find that one person to fill in your voids, to share your experiences with, to love and to hold, and be just yours? DO you want to be with someone who is perfect? What if you never find that person, would you just die alone or settle for imperfection? Do you want to feel empty everytime you are away from that person? Do you want to be afraid of losing someone you have become attached to? DO you want to be so driven by emotions for that person that you will do anything for them? DO you want to lose control of your higher thought patterns and be driven by pure instinct, animal agression, envy, and jealousy? Do you want to be hurt? Does the thought of your good times together make you blind to everything that is wrong with your relationship? WIll you find pleasure in making love to someone who you know is not true to you? Will you be satisfied when you drive them away? WIll seeing them with someone else calm your soul? Or maybe, you want to find someone just like you, right? Do you really thing there is someone out there just like you, or is that just wishful thinking? If you find that person, will you be able to stand them? Can you even stand yourself?
What is it you're searching for? What is the grand finale? Do you want to die? Will that satisfy you? Do you find inspiration in knowing that one day you will no longer have to worry about anything? Things like making a living, establishing relationships, and breathing will no longer burden you will they? You'll be free then won't you? So that's what you want, freedom? DO you want to be truly free? ANd was that the sad conclusion you came up with? Is that what this is leading up to? I can't be wrong, can I? You have no bloody idea do you?
Tell me when you find out.
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more [Oct. 9th, 2006|06:11 am]
YinGinanen Sanen
I still long for more.
There is this emptiness, i filled it with my own salvation but at times it still turns up hollow. I don't know.
Well there's an honest truth. I don't know.

Everything is progressing forward and everything is unacceptable.\

Days go by without rememberance. Days turn into weeks, months pass by and I don't remember any of it. I play around with different states of consciousness to find out what I am missing, because it seems like I'm not here. Throughout the day there are single moments that I realize where I am right now. Today, I was walking to the car, I looked over the trees to see a bridge and cars passing over, that was such a pretty scenery, it was evening, the sun was low, the sky was clear. I realized how I'm one person in this maze. I don't actually realize how many people there are around me. Other human beings, thousands of them, everywhere I go. Sometimes I just think about that, I'm driving and there's hundreds of human beings also driving with me I can see all of them but it's like they're not there. It's just other cars I'm trying to pass. It's like, I can't explain it this feeling when you like, you don't realize it cause you already know it, you just acknowledge that each of these people have lives and thoughts and hopes and dreams and what could they be thinking right at this moment? What reason are they traveling the same direction I am? Everything seems like a video game, like grand theft auto. Eh I feel like I'm old, like I'm about to die soon. Like I've reached my climax already, when in actuality things are just starting. How could I be broken hearted when I'm the one who ended the relationship? Or is it because I feel like such a fool for actually putting that much into it.

Here we are alone once again, I don't really have time for anyone I'm already affiliated with, so how could I find time to fill the void?

I don't know the answer to this solution right now, so I will continue on the plan that is laid before me.
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(no subject) [Sep. 21st, 2006|03:09 am]
YinGinanen Sanen
Sometimes you have to see things for what they really are, and see people for what they really are.  You hope some aspects of a person's nature may change, but you realize it is futile. You're trying to change someone's nature, it is instinctive.  A person's nature will not change, and you can expect them to repeat the same things over and over again.  So you have to see them for what they really are.  Moving forward, there comes a need to drop the dead weights.  I need to wash my hands of the filth that surrounds me.
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YinGSane [Jul. 22nd, 2006|02:07 am]
YinGinanen Sanen
You can't make it as an individual. You are defined only by those around you.  You don't stand out in the crowd. You're the one who sits back and laughs at the jokes that everyone else makes, but you put in no input of your own. You're always on the sidelines. But there is something about you, something intriguing. No one can put their finger on it. No one will ever really know you. You don't even know yourself. There's something complicated about you. You're always quiet, never arguing, never debating, so boring. So lifeless. If you was dead no one would miss you. Just one less person laughing at their antics.  You just help make a crowd. You're an extra, never play a main role. Just a filler body. 


I am the one who bring them to their knees. I am the one who saves them from their disease. If you don't like me, I don't give a damn. No one can change the greatness that I am.I act spontaniously without regret. I haven't even hit my peak yet.  I laugh as you mock me. You just wish you were me. I am their idol, I am the pleasant surprise. They beg to be in my company. Each of you I dispise. You are not worthy to be in my presence. Every word I speak is a taste of heaven. I can do every wrong in the world and be forgiven. But there's something about me, something hidden.  

We are the children of the sky. We are the thoughts that make you cry. We play the music that brings you tears. We are the sum of all your fears. We were born for something great. Everyone we love we also hate. Our eyes water when we see the stars. Our time is wasted at the bars. Full of love, so much love we'd give it all if it all was ours. We focus our thoughts on things of beauty. Every song we sing is moving. We'd never fight, we'd never kill. The hearts of many we will steal.  We're never lazy, never late. Men of rage, men of faith. We are the flowers in the breeze, we are the ripples in the seas. But no one will ever understand, who we are cause we are man.

This post has nothing   to do with me
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